I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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