she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
