If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
