I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
