Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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