He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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