what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
His nipple licking is glorious
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