I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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