if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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