DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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