we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
