under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Houston, we have a blender
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
