I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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