you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
