I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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