The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
