Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
