i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
