Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
