i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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