just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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