we have officially lost it.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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