i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
