I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
