Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
