Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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