I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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