Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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