I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Text me some of your sweat
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
