Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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