I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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