Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
