guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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