my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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