You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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