I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
