K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
