never play flip cup with pint glasses
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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