I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Sorry about my life...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
