There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
