Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
he thought i was a dude.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
