I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
