No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
