Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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