Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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