I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
are you so shy because you have an std?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
