Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
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