Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
