PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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