sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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