toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Come see our sink grown plant.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
