My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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