We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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