farters have to be the big spoon...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
