i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
