so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize