So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
