I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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