you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
