you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
