My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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