The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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