I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
